When I was pregnant with Eric pretty much everything terrified me. There was so much that happened in those nine months that I barely had time to process one issue before the next came up. It left me in bits afterwards and ever so slightly hesitant to go through it all again.
Fast forward to two and a bit years later and things could not be more different. I barely recognise the person I was back then and with every day that passes I am more and more excited at the prospect of pushing another baby out my vagina!
I of course take a lot of the credit for that myself. I mean, I shot down a spiral of doom and despair pretty quickly and I got myself right out of it again. And sure there are days where I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and worry about anything and everything but these are days are few and far between and never about pregnancy or the thought of giving birth.
There are however some pretty big changes I've made this time round. First of which is the level of privacy I've allowed myself to have. Instead of plastering regular pregnancy updates all over social media I've taken a step back and kept quite a lot to myself. I mean Ryan and I have only just done our gender reveal and I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant. The level of protectiveness I have over this baby is ridiculous and it's done me the world of good to just allow myself the time to enjoy the pregnancy and get excited about it. instead of involving people in everything that's been going on. That in itself has been one of the most empowering moves I could have ever made.
I'm also being a lot more decisive. Last time round I think I went with the flow and just went along with things because I thought they were the 'right thing' to do. I was a first time mum. I didn't know any better. But this time I've found my voice. I know how I'd like things to go and I'm not afraid to push for them. We've gone from probably heading to the MLU again to now wanting a home birth (fingers crossed). I'm a lot more vocal about wanting to try breastfeeding and I am asking so many questions so that I am better informed. Ryan and I are practising hypnobirthing together and I just know what feels right. I'm trusting my instincts more. I know what I want.
Hypnobirthing is playing a huge part in how strong I feel. We're currently working through The Positive Birth Company's Digital Pack but I've also just started Siobhan Miller's new book, both of which are absolutely game changing in the way I think about labour and birth. I have a new found appreciation for my body and have fallen in love with my pregnant self. I feel confident that no matter what happens I will have an amazing birth experience and am making the right choices that ensure that happens.
Hand in hand with hypnobirthing comes my musical choices. Environment plays a huge part in the hypnobirthing experience and where as last time I wanted to listen to music with a strong beat, now I've picked music that is evocative and sparks happy memories - from the best gigs I've ever been to to my favourite places to getting married, each piece I've chosen transports me somewhere and calms me. I test out my playlist at times when I need to feel calm and at peace and I'm already "training" myself to associate the playlist with feeling completely relaxed.
Never in my life would I have thought I could be this calm about expecting another baby but I am. I really am. And as for really looking forward to pushing out of my lady bits? I'd have laughed out loud. But I honestly can't wait. I believe in myself.
And best of all....I feel amazing!
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