I had something really positive I wanted to talk about for the letter "U." I had high hopes to talk about how much the blogging community has supported me. How much it has nurtured me, prompted me, inspired me to become a better blogger.
But then I had a really sh*t day.
Well. Not really a sh*t day. A sh*t start to the day.
And it all started as soon as I got up.
A few months ago, I made a big confession to the Universe. It had been a confession I had needed to unburden myself with for years. And it was a really scary thing to do. But after I'd done it, I felt so light and unburdened. I won't go in to details, and if you want to, you can read about it here, and watch me talk about it here. But to put it in a nutshell, I am someone who has - in the past - had an eating disorder.
Even though this is all in the past, and I am recovered, there are still some days that I find really, really hard. And on those days, I feel like the world is going to end because I become trapped in sad thoughts and it feels like I can't escape. Once I had reclaimed my love and appreciation for food, it's like I had discovered a while new world I didn't know was out there. Hundreds upon hundreds of brand new flavours, textures, recipes, foods all at my fingertips. And for the first time in a long time I could eat them and not feel bad. It was amazing.
And then I hit my late-mid twenties. And everything changed. I entered a brand new relationship. It was exciting. I was in love; happy beyond measure. And life was refreshed. But hand in hand with that came a new struggle. All those years of student life finally caught up with me, and I went from being a consistent weight to putting on a few lbs. I don't think changing my contraceptive method helped really either (but that's a completely different kettle of fish!)
It's a fine line between wanting to get fit, stay healthy, and falling in to bad habits. Especially now I am a bride-to-be. I want to look fantastic. Feel fantastic. And have the best day ever. But at the moment it is a really tough balancing act. I hated the fact that I'd put on so much weight, and knew I had to do something about it. I joined the gym, got a PT to help me, and started to really think about my food choices. And the results have started to show. I'm starting to feel more like myself again.
Part of the control element of my disorder that has stayed is that when I'm at home, I have to weigh myself everyday. I don't know why. But it is just something I have to do. It makes me feel better. It doesn't have an impact on my day. It's just part of my routine. And this is where I fell apart on Sunday.
When we've had an indulgent few days, and a few cheeky lbs creep back on, I always feel like I've let myself down. Like I've fallen off the wagon. (I went through a stage of eating too much rich food too quickly after I'd hit my first goal weight-gain in 2007, and I swore to myself I'd never get in to that habit again because it made me feel - and look - awful.) And after a few days of lovely meals out, ice cream and glasses of red wine in the evening, once I hopped on the scales I saw the number had crept up. I broke down. I cried and cried in Boyfriend's arms like my life was over. Deep down I knew it wasn't, but I felt horrendous. I felt humongous. I felt like I'd let myself down.
I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but I had to get this out there and off my mind. I'm feeling fine now. Everything is back in perspective, and I know that I can get back on it and be better and stronger for this blip. But feeling the way I did on Sunday can be so lonely. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. One devil on each shoulder and an angel in my arms. Sometimes, even though they can't walk in your shoes, having someone you love who you can turn to is the best help anyone could offer. I could talk through how I was feeling. Get things of my chest, And feel better afterwards.
So, this is not the blog post I had intended to write, but I had to get my feelings out there. Writing is my therapy. Some days will be brilliant. Some days will be sh*t. But without the rainy days, there would never be rainbows.
We are all strong. Sometimes it takes a bleak moment to remind of us that.